Dreading this Valentine's Day once again. Well, luckily you don't have to fear these terrible things! Read more in our Valentine's Special.
Pain
Fear no longer! This Valentine's Day is not the worst that could happen to you. V-Day can be both a true pain for those who long to find a partner or for the wallets of those who do have a partner and have to spend a tenner on overpriced M&S chocolates.
However, if you're dallyingly pick petals right now whilst asking yourself if you'll ever will have a romantic conversation with anything other than that flower you're tenderly holding, this article is for you!
Because this article may not help you to find anyone but do give you 3 reasons to be happy. Why? Well, more painful than a broken heart or the misery of unanswered love, are these 3 terrible things. So let's bring some cheer.
1. Being Kicked to the Shins with Clogs
Originally made to stop feet being turned into mush when farmers dropped heavy machinery on their toesies, these clogs are incredibly handy footwear. But don't underestimate them. These clogs (or ''klompen'' as they're called in their country of origin) are incredibly painful being hit with against your shins. Really, chuck yerself off the stairs and you'll feel way better than being booted with these ones. But is it causing more hurt than a broken heart? I hear you ask.
Well, that's a very good question. Former defensive midfielder, Nigel de Jong, took it to test one day. "Fancy some klompen on your heart, Xabi?" he lovingly asked the mid-fielder before his chop. Sadly, this little gentle nudge with his klomp in the 2010 WC Final was met with a lot of whining from his Spanish counterparts, who just didn't appreciate the gesture and immediately started begging the ref to dish out a card. ''Well, Alonso - at least it wasn't against your shin'', the ref responded to the wailing no.14.
2. Ninja Stars Thrown into Your Back as You flee from Assassination
Pretty obvious this one. But then ask yourself: why did you get yourself in this situation in the first place. Maybe time to stop messing about?
Ninjas (according to wikipedia) may have grouped as early as the 12th century from peasant-warriors taking part in military activities that developed into spy activity and mercenary. But every spy or mercenary gets lonely from time to time - you must have thought - and, everyone likes a bit of a tease. Well, as these prickly stars "point" out: apparently not.
3. Dentist Appointments
Tell your dentist you fancy a bit of root canal treatment, this time without anesthetics because you have a blogpost to prove wrong. "Don't be a wimp!" You shout at the protesting dentist staring at your perfectly good dentures, "Just act like that funny guy from the Little Shop of Horrors."
So go for it: do your worst, tooth master!