A Spade?
Shovels are for wimps, Socrates once said. So this one is for all the spade lovers out there, or just comes as some handy knowledge whilst you're studying to become a farmer.
1. Spade, a standard one
What have a pirate and a serial killer in common? A spade of course. That's right. A pirate for treasure chests and a serial killer for bodies. And maybe a pirate needs it too for burrying bodies of other pirates succumbed to scurvy. That's why I always cary an orange when entering boats.
Did you ever see a pirate or serial killer doing that with a pitchfork? I don't think so. For remote locations at night, or soft sanded beaches in broad daylight, they both need a spade. Anyhow, this is not a great start because we're here to speak about spades, not spade users.
Dig in that earth, that's right. And a normal spade just does the job. That's why it sits right at the top of our top 5. Are there any spade related jokes? No, because a spade is a spade, not a joke. So let's move on.
2. Spade, the proverb
A spade is, of course, a spade. That's why this saying sits so high up this list. Pure segacity at its finest. Now, you can't dig earth with a mere maxim, that's why it doesn't sit at the top spot.
However, proverbs can instruct. And when a spade handler is ever in doubt whether the tool they're using is indeed the best instrument to plough into the ground, all they need to do is reciting this salient saying - ''a spade is a spade'' - and they'll get right on track. Unless they've access to an excravator of course, but they don't feature in this top 5, so let's ignore that.
3. Spade, of cards
Most pirates and serial killers (yes, there's a theme here) will agree that the best spade is one that's not too heavy, because dragging heavy treasure chests (or bodies for that matter) through soft beaches or muddy forrest grounds is tough enough as it is. However, a spade in a deck of cards is, of course, much too light.
Not only that, it also cripples as soon as you apply the slightest bit of pressure when sticking it into the earth. And then there's that slight fold with which it needs to be held at to assure it can do an appropriate bit of scooping - which, unless you fedged yourself an Alice-in-Wonderland-sized one, will take you aprox. a full month per average sized treasure chest.
But chart writer, you ask, don't you think pirates need a bit of fun whilst taking turns digging? Yes, of course they do! Ideally with a card game aptly called Spades, which is amongst the best of by-pirates-favoured card games (see upcoming top 10 review).
But if they were to use whatever is remaining of one card, or one whole suit, taken from a stock of 52 cards whilst sitting through the hole digging ritual, not only will their games of Spade take endlessly longer, their incomplete deck will also give rise to cheating accusations - because we all know what pirates are like. Serial killers, on the other hand, don't really care.
4. Spade, the actor
An important question plaguing every pirate's mind like The Flying Dutchman: can four time Emmy Awards nominee and cinematic funny man David Spade actual dig a hole, or (as serial killers may wonder) himself be used for this outdoor scooping practice?
After srcupulous analysis and rigorous research of the latest cinematic literature and watching all of his 41 films - a small sacrifice of time for well respected student journalism - it can be concluded that the celebrated joker did delve various ditches whilst in character.
Joe Dirt 2: Beautiful Loser features a David Spade in the role of working class hero Joe Dirt buying collectible comic books before burying them under a tree. But... did he use a spade?
Whether he did or not, I did hear that when not acting David Spade has, indeed, dug many a hole... for himself - as all scandal entraining celebrities eventually do. Moving on...
5. A Spork
Unless your mouth is as big as an actual dug up hole, in which case you'll need a complete garden tool set or see your GP, you're better off to start off feeding yourself with a spork when learning to eat. This doesn't only go for feeding yourself, first timers to excavating anything from tunnels to digging up dinos will quickly warm to the tiny ''spade'' of the cutlery family.
Starting with a spork for any meal makes perfect sense. In general, giving a spade to the uninitiated, the untrained, is like learning to juggle with chainsaws - ill advised, and also using a spade at a dinner table makes for poor etiquette. Furthermore, digging into your pud with a spork is not disimilar to a standard burying job - so why not bury those leftovers from your main meal deep into that creamy texture, put it back in the fridge and inspect the outcome at family dinner a week later?
That's the top 5 Spades. Bye.
Reviewed by Jeroen