In wait of this whole Floris storm to 'blow over' we've listed some wind-creators often going unnoticed.
Floris?
Floris has been making a lot of fuss all over Scotland. If you were in a fit to ''wind'' up about it on your way to campus whilst crossing tree-littered ''windy'' roads, no better time than the present to dive straight into the matter by reviewing some easily overlooked and underappreciated wind-makers.
1. Trumpet Players
Always wondered why these trumpet jazzers pipe up solos going on for quite a bit? Well, whilst you and your mates dance your socks off or just snap your fingers like dweeps in a corner trying to look cool those mucisians blasting out tunes are actually, temperature-wise, hot as hell. Time to cool down, time for some fresh.... wind. That's right. Blow away trumpet man!
2. Windmills
Often overlooked just because they look like a bunch of losers. Spinning around all day, like nothing else goes on. Probably desperately in need of some hobbies. Well, unbeknowns to most, they actually do make wind.
"Here you go windmill, so you can crush some grains to make wholesome bread,'' says a good natured wind. "Nah, bugger off," replies the windmill, "have it back and choke on it". Not so friendly those mills, but you don't hear those grain obsessed mill technicians whinge a single word about that, do you?
3. People Blowing Off Some Steam
"Aaaaarrrggghhh the world goes to crap!", I hate this charity shop helping cats! Hope it burns to the ground.", "Clowns! Useless, the lot of them.", and "Why did my favourite shop run out of my favourite peanut butter? Now, I'll starve to death out of spite to teach them a proper lesson F! F! F!"
When tensions run high and heat rises to a boiling point, steam blowers do us all favour by blowing it all off, so much so that if just more people would get a bit more angry we could maybe reverse climate change one day.
4. The Large Hadron Collider at CERN
Not wanting to scare an already waining interest in work placements (because looking at particles doing rounds is only fun for the first 10 minutes), what the Switserland based scientists don't tell you is that the CERN Collider is making a horrendous deafening noise.
An even better kept secret, however, is that there's a lot of wind going on in those things, gusting about all the atoms, subs-atoms, nuclea specks and whatnot. Had they directly removed the wind out of the mix they would've found these things a long while ago. Not so smart the bunch of them after all.
5. An Actual Storm
'At first you think it's great for kite enthusiasts all day round, just taking their wee flyers outside and have a barry time. But typhoons, hurricanes and strong winds are as much use to monocyclists, bicyclists and tricyclists as a chocolate teapot,' reveals BBC weather lady Carol Kirkwood.
'Not wanting to cause a preverbial storm in a teacup with those wind hating but saddle loving helmet wearing wimps,' she informs further, 'but what.. the... actual... luck... you need to have if one of those storms becomes your name carier, just to get you that extra notority here at the met office.' There's always another gust next year, Carol.
6. The Woolf From The Woolf and Three Piglets
Being in the wind business has been a tougher gig than many outsiders assume it to be. 'Making a house out of hay, is waiting to get baconed,' A deeply frustrated woolf is heard sighing, 'but hiring contractors to make you a brick one is just taking the mick.'
Unfortunately for the fabled woolf things have turned for the worse since 2022 building standards put all sorts of flimsy by pigled made constructs in the ban. Time to turn back to those good old ciggies to quell that appetite, Mr. Woolf.
7. Baked Beans
The famous Haricot legumes and sugary tomato sauce combi has induced a type of stinky wind that browned the briefs of millions over multiple decades. It has to be said that beans on toast is among the most popular of hangover student snacks. No wonder Monday morning lecture theatres smell like rot.
8. Tennis Players
Always causing a racket (hahaha hihi) with their oooohs and aaahs whilst nimbly waving their bats at each serve. They prowl the court seeking an ''advantage'' after a ''duece'' after starting with ''love'' - all under watchful eye of strawberry and cream munching Hugh Grant. What a show.
Very few, however, know that Wimbledon was once called Windbledon and those wee mph meters at the bottom of the telly screen measured not ball but windspeed. A little weathercock would be held by the umpire functioning to inform wind direction, and markings on their - since Victorian times maintained - white outfits would exhibit whether players dealt with dry/wet wind conditions or catastrophicly dusty sandstorms so to advise players on needed adjustment of play or change of their little prestine headbands. It's either that or they're all posh.
9. Birthday Cake Candles Blowers
An immature bunch unless you're under ten years of age. Past ten and anything more than a bit of cream coating reveals you're either battling arrested development or struggle to conceal a midlife crisis.
10. Bag Pipe Players
Whether imitating cats, car crashes, ambulances, or providing cheerful tunes at weddings, bag pipe players are one of the most overlooked members of the windmaking industry. Those pipers are all about wind, wind, and wind - but then you already guessed that bag pipes were never about music in the first place.
Reviewed by Jeroen